


Won't Stop to Surrender

by msermesth



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Drunk Tony, Emotionally Crippled Idiots In Love, Flashbacks, Friends With Benefits, Hopeful Ending, M/M, POV Steve Rogers, POV Tony Stark, Roleplay, Sulking Steve, Tony and Steve are bad at making relationship decisions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 18:05:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11719662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msermesth/pseuds/msermesth
Summary: A year after the Accords, Tony and Steve reflect on a friends-with-benefits arrangement that ended up just being too much.





	1. Tony

**Author's Note:**

> This is a two-part fic from both Steve and Tony's point of view that that relies heavily on flashbacks and is mostly canon-compliant all the way through Civil War.
> 
> Be warned, an alternate title for this story was ‘Steve and Tony are two emotionally broken people who make bad relationship decisions’, but that was too long. For example, even though he isn't actually cheating on her, Tony is on-and-off-again with Pepper though some of this. And I wouldn’t call this a fix-it, but it does have a hopeful ending. I’d say it’s more of a ‘break-it-some-more-to-create-the-foundation-to-fix-it’.
> 
> Thank you to [Robin tCJ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin_tCJ/pseuds/Robin_tCJ), who did an amazing job beta-ing this for me. If you see any typos, it’s because I can’t stop tweaking things.

 

 

**Now**

For some reason, Tony had always assumed he would get more time to internally deliberate whether Steve deserved his help. Ever since it became clear that the U.S. Government might put an end to Steve’s fugitive status, he had been torn between letting the bastard rot in jail or giving Steve another opportunity to run away. But when the moment came and Tony’s constant surveillance of Secretary Ross’s operation tipped him off, he found he couldn’t _not_ make the call. Perhaps if it involved getting in the armor and flying to wherever, Tony would have decided the son-of-a-bitch deserved to get caught.

Unfortunately for Tony’s pride, all he had to do was sit at his desk and pick up the damn phone and dial the only number in the address book.

“Tony?” Steve’s voice was hopeful and scared at the same time. It had been the last thing he expected to hear. Tony couldn’t help but take a moment to wonder if Steve thought if he just wanted to talk or was just about to alert him to some world ending event.

It didn’t matter. It was neither. “A strike team is about to engage you. I suspect you have less than fifteen minutes to disappear if you want to stay a free man.”

“What’s going on?” The uncertainty was gone from his voice. Tony could already hear Steve’s mind evaluating all possible scenarios.

“This is all you are going to get from me.” If it sounded rehearsed, that was because Tony had been saying it as his mantra since he learned he might have to make this phone call. He waited a second in hope that Steve would say something that indicated he felt what Tony said. But then the second was gone and Tony just wanted this to be over.

He hung up.

And poured himself three fingers of a twenty-five-year-old Macallan.

 

\-----

 

**Now**

It turned out sad classical music and booze complimented each other perfectly. Tony had been laying unusually still as he played through some of his mother’s favorite pieces and got more drunk than he could recall in recent memory. Had his mom only liked the melancholy ones, or was that just all Tony could remember? It was getting harder to sort through his thoughts, which just made them all the more painful. He was old enough to know he couldn’t drink away his feelings – just not honest enough to stop.

Even though he heard her footprints behind him before he saw Natasha’s blurry form in the glass, he still wished she was a drunken mirage. Her presence had never been so ominous.

“Are you here to kill me?” he asked, slurring less than he expected.

She stopped her approach and held his gaze from her reflection in the window. “No”

“Then go away.”

“Tony...” She sighed and looked legitimately concerned.

“It was a joke,” Tony said, not entirely lying.

“If you want me to go, I will.” Tony watched her and thought about that. The booze, the music, the night of self-pity – it was beginning to feel oppressive. This was why he had taken to building suits instead of getting drunk. At least that provided a way to shut out the thoughts.

Being lonely felt like a weakness, but it was weakness he couldn’t fight anymore. If it had been any other night, he would have told her to fuck off. But tonight, he didn’t say anything.

“What are we drinking?” She asked, correctly taking his silence as encouragement and sitting down on the couch across from him. He could tell by her guarded movements that she was observing the situation carefully.

“Expensive scotch.” Tony passed his glass to her and she took a careful sip.

It seemed to meet her standards because she poured some for herself. “You always had good taste.” They sat there for a while, listening to the first movement of Tchaikovsky’s Sixth Symphony. It was a beautiful piece of music, if crushingly sad. “I know this one.  I remember hearing it as a girl. We listened to a lot of Tchaikovsky. This is _Pateticheskaya._ ”

Tony had only known the French name “I thought the symphony was named _Pathetique?_ ” That this song had come up right now was serendipitous. Pathetic was the best way to describe how he felt.

“No. Leave it to the French to get it wrong. _Pateticheskaya_ means something like... emotional. Passionate. _”_

That made Tony chuckle to himself. He couldn’t even get his self-pity right. “My mom used to play it as a kid. She loved going to the orchestra. Used to take me all the time, even though I could never sit still long enough to enjoy it. I wish I did. Wish I could have shared that with her.”

Natasha was thoughtfully quiet. “You want to talk?”

“I thought that was what we were doing.”

“No. I mean abou–”

Tony cut her off. “I know what you meant.” He wanted to talk so much he could scream. But he wasn’t about to admit to it and the music had turned loud and epic and provided a good opportunity to avoid saying anything.

Then the movement ended and sadly faded away. “How long did it go on?”

Even though Tony knew exactly what she was asking, he was still taken aback that she had asked it at all. “How did you know?”

“I began to suspect something was going on between you two sometime after SHIELD fell. But I wasn’t sure till Ultron.” Of course. That made sense. It was almost comforting that she had figured it out and he almost wished she had said something sooner. At least, it gave the illusion that something could have changed. “How did it start?”

Tony affixed a crooked smile that felt all sorts of wrong and made his face hurt. “Well, when a man and another man both want to touch each other's genitals...” Natasha glared at him but he didn’t drop the grin. “That’s true, by the way. That is exactly how it started.”

“When?”

“Remember that time we went out to celebrate his birthday? When you guys were working for SHIELD in D.C.? That night.”

Her eyes narrowed and Tony could feel himself being fact-checked. “When we watched the fireworks from your hotel room?”

“Let’s just say the night had more fireworks in store,” he joked, but it was a joke on himself. This was actually a good memory, and it was almost untouched by the bitterness infecting him. _Almost_ being the operative word.

“But I was there...”

The grin faded and a gross feeling settled somewhere in his gut. “You left early. Had some mission in the morning that didn’t require Steve. So, he stayed and we talked.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

“Can you start from the beginning?” Steve asked with wide eyes and an even wider smile.

It took Tony aback to see him like that. Happy and loose weren’t words one associated with Steve Rogers. “You really want to know about my time at MIT?”

Natasha had left an hour ago, but Steve still wanted to talk. And Tony was finding he was enjoying the audience. The guy seemed genuinely interested in him in a way he couldn’t compare to anyone else. It was more intoxicating than the drink he had barely touched. “Why wouldn’t I? What was it like? You were so young...”

He laughed at that. He hadn’t felt that young. When you’re a Stark, young and old and other things that mattered to other people didn’t register. “I was only fourteen. And didn’t you drop out of school by then?”

“Yeah. But that’s different. I had to.” If Tony didn’t know better, he would have assumed Steve was drunk. There was an easiness about him Tony hadn’t ever seen before. Tony, for his part, was still nursing the same gin and tonic for the last hour. It wasn’t a conscious decision – he kept just forgetting it was there.

“Well, I had to go to MIT. It was that or... I’m not sure what the other option was. It was certainly worse than MIT.”

“Ok. I’ll make a deal. You tell me your college stories and I’ll tell you mine.” Steve offered as if this was a special sort of bargain.

“You don’t have any college stories.”

“Rub it in, why don’tcha?” His voice was mock serious, but the smile was back in full force. “I’m just curious. You live such an interesting life.”

Tony let out a barking laugh. “That’s really something coming from you.”

“I mean it.” His voice quivered at the end and his face set in concentration. “Could I... I was wondering if I could...” Steve must have been working up the courage to ask him something and Tony braced himself for whatever tabloid fodder he was going to have to defend. “Oh, god damn it.” And then Steve clearly gave up on asking any questions at all and surged forward to kiss him. Always proud of his ability to improvise, Tony kissed back, completely forgetting any important details.

That is till he felt Steve reach for his belt. “Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Wait.” Steve stood up so quick it was almost as disorienting as the last few minutes.

“I’m so, so sorry. I really should have asked... What the hell was I thinking?” He continued to ramble in that vein while Tony just stared at him, completely transfixed. It wasn’t until Steve began to head towards the door that he realized he needed to do some damage control.

“Hey! I didn’t say stop. I said wait.” That broke Steve’s forward momentum and he turned around to face Tony. “I just need a second for my brain to catch up with everything.” He paused for effect and tried to give Steve a look that would punctuate it. “Second taken. Let’s continue.”

“Are you sure...?”

But Tony didn’t need him to elaborate. “Are you worried about Pepper? Don't be. We have an arrangement. What the other doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt and all that. So, unless you plan on calling her up...”

“No. Definitely not.” Tony wondered how much this went against Steve’s code of ethics and briefly wished he had gotten Pepper’s permission in writing, just to assuage any of his potential hang-ups. Tony, for his part, hadn’t actually acted on the open relationship thing yet. And if he knew Pepper had, well, that was what he got for snooping in her emails.

“It’s completely above board. As long as it’s discreet, it’s ok.” The wild fear was beginning to fade out of Steve’s eyes. Good. That was good. Situation salvaged. “I don’t know about you, but we’ve been talking about this for five minutes longer than I wanted.” Steve must have had the same concern about using time effectively, because he was across the room and on Tony before Tony even had a chance to breathe.

 

_\-----_

 

**Now**

There wasn’t much to elaborate on. “It was talking till it wasn’t. He made the first move, by the way, if that was what you were wondering.” Tony took a second to take a long sip and poured himself more scotch. It had the added benefit of giving himself a moment to collect his thoughts.

“But it wasn’t a one-time thing, was it?” Natasha asked, clearly trying to lead the conversation.

“You already know the answer to that. You said it. And... yeah. Of course, it wasn’t a one-time thing. Steve was the perfect side piece,” Tony explained, being purposefully crass. “He wasn’t interested in anything besides sex, we had reasons to see each other but we weren’t always together, and both of us wanted to be discreet about it. Even after Pepper and I broke up.”

“Why would Steve want to be discreet?”

“Maybe he was worried about the ethics of fucking someone you had to command in the field. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable being out. I actually don’t really know. It never came up, if you can believe it.” He didn’t tell her how as it went on, he avoided that question more and more. Just in case the real reason was that Tony didn’t measure up. “Either way, it started off easy. Low stakes. Nothing to lose.” Tony laughed at himself. Hindsight was always twenty-twenty.

 

\-----

 

**Then**

Forty more minutes... Tony had promised Pepper he’s sit in this godforsaken board meeting for forty more minutes, and then he was going to hightail it out of there. He could do that, even if they weren’t dating anymore, he owed her that much. And there was only so much a person could take hearing a group of men and women this dumb try to explain to him the future they envisioned for _his_ company. Nope. He didn’t need any more of this. He checked his phone, making his boredom obvious for everyone and noticed a missed call from a certain Avenger’s personal cell phone.

This was a great excuse for a power play. He was only demonstrating his importance and dominance by making them wait for him. At least, that’s what Tony told himself as he excused himself to step into his office. It was grand, all floor to ceiling windows and tasteful amounts of leather. He didn’t use it for much more than impressing potential investors or employees, and for that reason it always felt just a little foreign to him.

At least it was comfortable, he thought to himself as he plopped into the enormous desk chair and turned to look out onto the city before placing the call. “Aren’t you on some sort of mission?” Tony asked as soon as he heard the line connect.

Steve, for his part, laughed off the brusqueness. “Yes. Technically.”

“You going to tell me more about it?” He booted up the computer.

“If I did, I’d have to kill you,” Steve said, not even attempting to sound convincing.

It took Tony two minutes to find the answer he was looking for. “Hmmmm... Somalia. So, let me guess. Right now, you are sitting in whatever safe house they have you holing up in.” He shook his head even though he knew Steve couldn’t see. “Steve... are you _bored_? And here I thought you were calling because you enjoyed my company.”

Tony could hear a soft chuckle on the other line and could imagine what he was only beginning to recognize as Steve’s ‘oh Tony’ face. “What if it’s a little of both?”

He checked his watch and did a little quick math. “Isn’t it midnight over there?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“And your first thought was to call me?”

“No, my first thought was to exercise, but I can’t really go running through the streets of Mogadishu.”

“So, you’re looking for some physical exertion?” An idea was beginning to creep into Tony’s brain and he flipped the switch on the desk that locked the doors. “What are you wearing?”

“Huh?”

“Just go with it. What are you wearing?”

“Clothes? Why?”

Tony made an exaggeratedly loud sigh. “Phone sex. I’m trying to have phone sex with you.” He pretended not to hear the choked off sound Steve gave. It was always nice to catch the man off-guard and he didn’t get to do it enough. “So, I’ll start. I’m wearing a Marc Jacobs gray two-piece suit.”

“Where _are_ you? I’m not sure it’s appropriate to...”

Tony cut him off. “I’m in my office, and in my office, anything I like is appropriate. Plus, it would give me great joy to help Captain America violate himself to very gay thoughts while in Somalia. Always been a dream of mine.”

“I’ve never been in your office,” Steve replied, his voice dropping half an octave.

“That’s what you’re focused on?”

“What’s it like? Big windows? Great views?”

Tony decided he was just going to have to go with it. “You can see most of Manhattan from up here.”

“And the desk?”

What this a thing for Steve? “Huge. Dark wood. Very, very expensive.”

Steve made a sound Tony was only beginning to get familiar with. “Wait – do you want to fuck me or my office?”

“What if it’s a little of both?” Steve replied, and it would have been completely deadpan if not for the smile Tony could hear over the phone.

Well, that solved that. Somehow this man never failed to surprise him. “What am I going to do with you?” And Tony meant it.

“It sounds like you have a couple of ideas. And I’d like to hear them in great detail.”

The board could wait, Tony thought. This was clearly going to be the best use of his time. He turned in his chair to look out over the city and began to unzip his fly as he started saying, “If you were here right now...”

 

\-----

 

**Now**

“So, it was just casual?” Natasha asked as she poured herself more scotch. For a brief moment Tony calculated blood-alcohol contents, metabolisms, and the intended length of the conversation and decided that they would probably need another bottle soon.

After picking the third most expensive thing he could find, he stumbled back and said, “Totally casual.”

“No feelings?”

“Yeah. No feelings at all. Not ever a single feeling that wasn’t platonic. Nope. Nada.”

She quirked an eyebrow at him. “I’d tell you your denial is incriminating, but you already know that.”

One long and purposefully extended sip later, Tony said, “Feelings couldn’t be on the menu. So, there weren’t any.”

“When did they start?” Tony could imagine her spying and asking questions just like that. Like they came naturally, like she wasn’t trying to pry for answers. There was a reason she was so good at this.

“I have no idea when they started.” Possibly it was sometime into their friends-with-benefits arrangement. Maybe it was when he made sure to book a hotel room in Washington, DC with a good view of the fireworks. Maybe it had been on the helicarrier, or the streets of New York. Tony literally had no fucking clue. “I... uh... I think I _realized_ something wasn’t above board when the whole ‘SHIELD is Hydra’ thing happened.”

She squinted at him and he could see her brain try to piece everything together. “You weren’t there.”

“Yeah. Because I was in Mumbai trying to acquire... something. I don’t even remember. I think it was some company that focused on electric car batteries. But it could have been phones, or something else. Something about batteries.” He took a deep breath. His speech was coming out fast and hurried because somehow, even though this had been years ago, it still shook him. “It must have been interesting at the time, because somehow I went hours till anyone told me about Fury, or Ft. Leigh, or the little scuffle you guys had on the interstate. And it wasn’t like anyone was updating me on the situation from the inside.” The thought still made him feel bitter.

“We didn’t have time. Or resources. And... honestly? I didn’t think about it,” she explained, but something about the way she said it made him think she knew they were all weak excuses. “You seemed to have taken a break from the whole Iron Man thing. And I knew you weren’t on this side of the world.”

That shouldn’t have mattered. They were supposed to be a team, and even on the other side of the earth, he could have helped. “I hadn’t packed a suit. Didn’t think I needed one. Which is why I was over Newfoundland when I heard the news about the helicarriers and the Potomac.” Somehow, he had never forgiven the river for rising up to meet Steve, like it was the Potomac's fault Steve fell and not everything else. He certainly wasn’t blaming the brainwashed best friend or the global Hydra conspiracy. And he was definitely not blaming himself for not being prepared to race halfway around the world.

Ok. He did blame himself.

“You were barely at the hospital,” she asked. It was half of a question.

“I was there long enough.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

_This hospital needs better security, T_ ony thought as he maneuvered through the hallways. He was attempting to carry himself in a way he was certain came naturally to him the rest of the time in an attempt to broadcast ‘I am Tony Stark. Do not fuck with me right now.’ It worked – probably too well – because he met no resistance on the way to the room.

That momentum got him all the way to the doorway, but couldn’t get him past the threshold. Inside, Steve was lying unconscious and he looked... bad. It was bad. Tony had already seen everything on video. But they were superheroes! Superheroes who usually walked off things like falling ten storeys.

Steve’s body must not have gotten that memo because he looked so human right now. So fragile, and all Tony could do was stare.

“He woke up an hour ago,” said a man whom Tony had never met. “Promptly passed out again, but he’s going to be ok. I’m Sam, by the way.” He was standing in front of him and offering his hand. Tony barely stared at it – he had no interest in pleasantries. Tony said his name, answering whatever silent question this stranger was asking of him before the man continued to talk. “I thought so. Anyway, as I was saying, he’s going to be fine. Just some gunshot wounds, bruising, you know the stuff that happens to you guys. Natasha made it sound like this was just a Tuesday and –”

“Where is she?” Tony said, cutting off whatever inane thought he was about to hear because he had _no fucking clue_ who this person was and Natasha at least had the capacity to know when to stop talking.

Because this guy clearly did not. “She went to do something. Didn’t elaborate. Either she’s getting a change of clothes or going to kill someone. I can’t tell with her.”

Tony really wasn’t listening to any of that. “Can you just... leave? For, like, fifteen minutes?” He couldn’t care less if that sounded rude.

The man went to go get his coat. “Yeeeeeah... This is an Avengers thing, right?”

“Yeah. Of course. Whatever.” Tony waved him away and sat down at a chair next to Steve’s bed. When he heard the door close, he finally let out a breath he’d been holding since he’d boarded the plane in Mumbai.

Despite sleep, Steve’s face was scrunched up in pain. Tony supposed there wasn’t any way to give him something strong enough to let him at least rest in peace. Finally, able to sit there quietly, all the anxious thoughts that had been with him floated away and he felt some sort of twisted version of relief. He had no idea what would have happened if Steve had died. The whole idea of that death suddenly had become his biggest fear, where before he had never even considered it. He grasped Steve’s clammy and unusually cold hand and held it tight. Tony wasn’t an idiot. He knew that something was very wrong with how he was feeling. But he needed confirmation that Steve was going to live more than he needed to lie to himself.

He sat there for what felt like forever and oscillated from relief and fear and realized he was going to have to end this. Steve had made it clear from the beginning that their situation was entirely no strings attached, and Tony’s feelings were pretty significant strings.

“Tony?” Steve’s voice was soft and dry and Tony could almost convince himself that it was trick of his imagination till Steve tried again. “Tony? I thought you were in India.”

“I came back. Apparently not soon enough.”

“Naw. We did ok. You didn’t have to rush back.” Somehow Steve was smiling despite all the obvious pain.

“Someone has to pick up after you guys,” Tony said, but his heart just wasn’t in it. It didn’t matter if Steve had needed him. _He needed Steve_ – alive and whole and safe, and he hadn’t been able to do anything about that.

“It’s good. So good to see you.” Steve’s face scrunched up and he looked around the room. He seemed to be trying to remember something. In slow-motion, Tony watched as Steve’s eyes found where Tony was still grasping his hand. A new terror gripped him and he found himself paralyzed as Steve’s hand held his in a firm clasp. “Tony... I need to tell you something.”

Suddenly, he wasn’t sure what scared him more – that Steve was about to tell him that he didn’t share Tony’s feelings or that he did. Neither option needed confirmation to be unacceptable. Tony finally found it in himself to tear his hand away and he purposefully avoiding looking at Steve’s face to see any of the emotions playing on it.

“I just remembered I need to be at this meeting. That’s why I came back, by the way, for the meeting. Not... I mean...” Tony sighed. He was so screwed. “Anyway, whatever you’ve got to say probably isn’t that important and you’re in a ton of pain and your new friend seems really nice and I’m going to leave now.”

As he walked out of the hospital he hated himself for saying any of that. But if it was that or confessing, well... the option was obvious.

 

\-----

 

**Now**

“The idea of losing him.... Spoiler alert – it bothered me a lot. And I hadn’t had to think about it till then. Never even considered it. That’s when it should have ended. All of it – Iron Man, Steve, lying to myself. Thinking I had _anything_ under control.” Tony was rambling right now and he knew it. Maybe if he said the right words he could get her to understand the slow-motion train wreck that was his life.

It turned out Natasha didn’t need him to say anything to know about that.  “But it didn’t end, right?”

“Of course not. I was fucking Steve Rogers, and he was at the tower a lot, so the opportunity was there, and what the hell am I supposed to do? Say no to that? And once we found a new rhythm...” Tony stopped to chuckle pathetically. “It was easy to pretend we were just fooling around. Finding excuses to justify it was just _too_ easy.”

“And what about Pepper?”

Tony sighed. He felt gross just thinking about it. “She was busy. And not around a lot. And stressed that I wasn’t going to stop building suits. We were always on and off and never together long enough, even though it always felt serious to me when we were. And we always had an arrangement –”

“I know about the open relationship thing.”

“How?”

“She told me.”

Tony thought about that for a moment. “I wanted to make it work with her. I really did. I just don’t know. Because instead of being a proper human being, I pushed her away by avoiding phone calls and pleas to join her on trips. All of it was too easy, because sleeping with Steve was easier than fixing my life. Sleeping with Steve was an excuse to not answer phone calls or stop being Iron Man.”

“That’s why you started making suits again...” Natasha said and regarded him carefully. It was strange how well put together she was given the amount of alcohol she had drunk. That must have been another one of her skills, Tony thought.

“I don’t know if I ever really stopped, but it made it easier to justify it. I could tell myself ‘look, here’s what happens when you sit out the fight’. And it was fix everything or fight, and I hadn’t figured out the ‘fix’ yet.” Even now, Tony wasn’t sure if he could stop long enough for it mean more than a petulant vacation. He thought about it for a few moments before remembering there had been another train of questions before that one. “Fucking Steve, it... it was good. And fun. Let me tell you, the guy does not have a single prudish bone in his body when you get him into bed. He was down for pretty much everything and anything.”

“I don’t need to know the details,” Natasha warned.

“Then you are missing out. We are talking about the best sex of my life. And not just in absolute terms, like it was _consistently_ good. And...” The memories and emotions from that time flooded him and were somehow more warming than the scotch. He wanted them to hurt more than they did. After everything, they still shouldn’t be putting a smile on his face. Tony internally blamed the booze and left it at that. “Mostly it was just fun. I felt like the version of myself I wanted to be. It was effortless and intimate in a way... in a way I didn’t even notice. It just happened and kept happening.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

“Please don’t tell me you installed removable armor plates just for... Oh no. You did. You actually did that,” Steve said in mock horror as Tony demonstrated that he could take off the parts of the suit covering his groin and ass. They were sitting on the small bed he had stashed in a closet right off the lab. It was originally intended for all those times he was too tired to make it to his own room, but in the last few months it began to see more and more _extracurricular_ use.

“I didn’t make them just for tonight. It’s just good form to be able to detach parts of the armor. You know – just in case.” Tony placed the pieces back on the suit because taking them off later was going to be half the fun. “Actually, you should know that. For first aid and everything. Though I did make some other upgrades I think you’ll enjoy...”

“It vibrates,” Steve guessed instantly.

“Vibration is only the beginning. I’m thinking of filing three separate patents. The sex toy market is woefully underdeveloped.” Tony was legitimately proud of this – it had been too much fun upgrading the suit in anticipation of this night with Steve. He’d been wanting to try this for a while, but Pepper would never have done it. Steve hadn’t even batted an eye.

And he clearly wasn’t regretting it. “And here I am feeling left out. I don’t get any upgrades? You told me just to come in the uniform.”

Tony snickered. “Your uniform comes sex-ready.” And he meant both in form and function.

“How does this work? If there some sort of story or we do we just ‘go at it’.” The face Steve made when he said ‘go at it’ was priceless.

Of all the things he had thought of, this had somehow fallen through the cracks. “I didn’t have anything specific in mind. Any ideas? And don’t tell me you never thought about fucking in full regalia.”

He shrugged. “I can honestly say it never crossed my mind till you brought it up.”

“And what about _after_ I brought it up?” Tony asked, practically baiting him. He knew Steve well enough to know Steve only shared about five percent of whatever was on his mind.

And what was Steve, if not a tactical genius? So, it didn’t take him long to start talking. “Ok – we’ve just had a battle. It was probably a two or three – difficult but nothing we can’t get up and work the day after.”

“You have a number system to rate our battles?” Tony interjected, amused. Something about that gave him a pleasant and fond feeling entirely unrelated to what they were about to do.

“It’s not like I have a rubric or anything. It just helps when I’m trying make surface level comparisons,” Steve explained. It looked like he was trying to work up his courage for what he was about to say and Tony attempted to wait patiently for him to begin. It didn’t seem to matter how long they had been doing this, somehow getting Steve to start talking about what he wanted was always the hardest part. “As I said – there was a battle. Everyone’s a little banged up but no one is badly hurt. And when we get back to the tower... I’m mad at you?” Steve had the gall to look sheepish. “You did some reckless thing out in the field and I got angry and ... we haven’t been doing this.” He gestured between the two of them instead of saying it aloud.

To Steve’s credit, Tony had no idea what vocabulary to use to describe what was going on between them. And he was spending too much emotional energy pretending that wasn’t a problem. So, he decided to help the guy out, if only to get this show on the road and certain thoughts out of his head. “You're saying this is our first time?”

“Yes. I followed you down to the lab to confront you, but before I get a word out you push me in this room...”

“And attack you with my mouth?”

Steve gave him his best 'you-are-ridiculous' face, but he didn’t say no. Tony could work with that.

Later, the whole thing was going exactly according to script, when Tony pushed Steve so he was sitting on the bed and straddled him. Of course, that was when Steve started to laugh.

“What?” Tony asked as a familiar anxiety began to fill him. It just wasn’t an anxiety he normally associated with Steve.

It took Steve a good few minutes to catch his breath long enough to get out – “You reinforced the bed.”

Tony was confused. “Huh?”

“You’re heavy in the suit.” Steve lifted him off his lap for a few seconds and Tony suppressed a comment about how he apparently wasn’t heavy enough to make Captain America break a sweat. “There is no way this bed was originally made to hold you in your full armor.”

“So what? I came prepared. All necessary equipment included.”

Steve’s laughs had settled into an easy smile. “I’m not judging or... negatively judging. It’s a good thing. I like that you think of everything.” He stopped to take a deep breath and earnestly stared into Tony’s eyes. “You’re really something, you know that? There is everybody else, and then...” Somehow the air had stilled and Tony forgot that they were in the middle of role-playing. “ _There’s you._ ”

Most of the time there wasn’t a reason to believe Steve saw whatever they were doing as more than a just a way to blow off steam. But then he said things like this, with eyes like that, and for a few moments Tony couldn’t be so sure.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Time to get this show on the road. Where were we?” He lightly pushed Steve so that he was laying on top of him and tried to affix whatever snarl he would wear during a bout of hate sex. “I don’t need to be taking commands from some outdated relic, _Rogers_.”

A mischievous grin passed over Steve’s lips before his face set and he said in his most commanding voice, “I will not tolerate insubordination. Especially not from the likes of you, _Stark._ ”

 

\-----

 

**Now**

Natasha looked more thoughtful than usual. A small part of Tony hoped it was a sign she had drank too much, but mostly he knew better. “It’s just hard to square away ‘fun’ and ‘intimate’ with Steve, especially at that time,” she said. “I could probably count the times he smiled on my hands.”

Tony knew exactly what she was talking about, and it had always given him great satisfaction that he was a part of giving Steve moments of happiness, no matter how fleeting or inconsequential. “Maybe he needed a place without the world weighing him down? I can’t tell you why, just that it was.”

“And that drives you crazy.” Natasha didn’t need to make it into a question.

“More than I could possibly explain.” Even now, it was difficult to really understand what had been going on in Steve’s mind that whole time. It was a vital variable he needed to put everything in perspective and like anything good, it was just out of reach. “He wasn’t around a lot either – too busy looking for Bucky,” Tony said, only somewhat bitter. “And when he was gone on those little missions, I missed him. And maybe I became too invested in chasing whatever it was that made him smile the few times he was around.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

The city looked quiet from all the way up here, Tony thought. He hadn’t spent much time looking at it from the windows in his office – hadn’t really spent much time in here at all – but it was nice enough at the moment. The distraction was necessary, as sitting there and waiting for Steve to arrive was beginning to become intolerable.

When he’d agreed to tonight, he had done so thinking that acting like the king of the world was going to be second nature to him. But now that he was up here and working through the logistics of the situation, Tony was second guessing himself. He was supposed to pretend he was Steve’s powerful and somewhat skeevy boss who was comfortable exploiting his influence. And while the notion would have squicked him out in a real setting, Tony had been so excited he practically forgot to breathe when Steve brought it up.

This had been the first time Steve had suggested something without being prompted and Tony was worried that if he didn’t do this right, there wouldn’t be a next time. And he was noticing more and more that it mattered if there was going to be a next time. A tiny voice in his head tried to raise all sorts of alarms at the thought, but it was easy enough to shut it out by countering with the fantasies he was about to live out.

His priorities were in order, clearly.

A knock on the door provided the needed distraction to his mental tug-of-war. “Come in,” Tony said, trying his best to sound bored and not whatever combination of anxiety and desire he was actually feeling.

Steve poked his head through the door and somehow managed to look more nervous than Tony was feeling. And that was saying something.  “I’m sorry to disturb you, Mr. Stark.” Oh. So that was how it was going to be. They hadn’t really agreed to anything specific and Tony was not prepared in the slightest for what being called ‘Mr. Stark’ did to him. Half of him wanted to casually tell Steve ‘just call me Tony’, and the other half was trying to decide if he should fuck Steve against the windows or on the desk.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” Tony asked like he wasn’t particularly invested in the answer.

Steve took that as a sign to step through the door and walk the length of the office so that he was standing before Tony, just the desk in between them. He had come dressed in pressed khakis and a button down and briefly Tony wondered exactly what it was Steve imagined he would do if he was employed at Stark Industries. “I just wanted to drop off the schematics you requested.” He placed them on the desk and waited patiently for Tony to respond. Tony could see him standing there with a stillness that he had learned was Steve repressing whatever it was he actually wanted to do. Tony was going to have to take that as encouragement, because there was no way Steve would go through the effort of standing still if he didn’t want whatever was coming.

Tony casually looked out the window and then back at the papers on the desk. “It’s pretty late.”

“I’m so sorry if I....” Steve said, flustered. Tony couldn’t tell if he was acting or not.

“Don’t be.” And Tony could feel the smile on his face turn predatory. “I like to see my employees show _initiative._ ”

Steve’s eyes subtly widened. “I really want to do well at this job. I don’t mind going above and beyond, _Mr. Stark_.” He said and practically set Tony up for his next line.

Tony took the time to look him up and down and make it clear he was enjoying what he was seeing. “I appreciate that. I really do.” He paused and tried to think of the best way to phrase what he wanted to say without it sounding forced. This was for Steve and he needed to make this better than a cheap porno. “Could I ask you a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Unbutton your shirt.” Tony commanded and tried to keep the boredom in his voice.

It probably would have made sense if Steve attempted to protest that, but instead he just gulped and began to slowly get to work. “Like this?” Steve asked after he finished and his shirt hung limply on his frame. He was still wearing a tight undershirt.

“Hmmm.... I’m afraid that won’t work.” Tony tried to pause for as long as possible. “Take it off.” He kicked his feet up on the desk and lazily watched as Steve did just that. After he shrugged the shirt off and hung it around his arm, Tony shook his head. “And the other one.” Steve went from stone-still to visibly shaking. The sight made Tony want to ask him if this was ok, if he wanted to stop or pause or anything. But they had safe words and gestures and Steve had been very clear about his intentions. Interrupting would only be about Tony seeking affirmation and praise, and as difficult as it was to believe – this wasn’t about him.

“Is this... good?” Steve asked as he shucked his tight undershirt, and Tony could hear the trembling in his voice.

As he was admiring his handiwork, Tony said, “Perfect.” He hoped it sounded more lecherous than awed. And then, as slowly as he could, he stood up and walked around the desk so that Steve was stuck in the middle. He enjoyed the view for a couple of moments before telling Steve to turn around. Steve promptly complied. “I have just the project for you – but it requires late hours, a good work ethic, and some... creativity.”

“Anything you need, Mr. Stark.” Steve was either over his earlier nervousness, or was finally over pretending. His voice sounded almost dangerous. It was exhilarating.

Tony stalked forward, letting his presence push Steve back. He must have lost his superior spatial awareness, because he gave a small yelp of surprise when his thighs hit the desk. That gave Tony the perfect opportunity to crowd over him and place his hands on Steve’s hips. “Oh, please. Call me Tony.” And then all he had to do was close the limited distance between them and kiss like he was the confident and powerful leader of industry it often felt like he was only pretending to be.

After they’d finished and were catching their breath on the floor, Steve leaned over him with a goofy smile and whispered, “Thank you.”

And it was that moment – more than anything – that made Tony feel like the king of the world.

 

\-----

 

**Now**

“What tipped you off?” Tony asked. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the couch. Somewhere along the way this had become the best decision he had made in a long time. The floor was safe.

“About you two?” Natasha asked, more likely clarifying for Tony’s sake and not her own. Tony nodded to confirm, but the world moved with his head and he had to stop. “Little things. Both of you would be missing, or there was a weird look. Nothing too specific. A couple of times I thought about looking into it more – installing surveillance or catching you in the act. But it never seemed worth the effort.” Natasha stopped and readjusted herself as she poured more scotch. The movement was clunky and uncoordinated and Tony declared a small victory over her perfect composure. “I know better now, of course.”

“What would you have done?”

“Hit both of you in the head, most likely. Or, just know. In case things got out of hand. At the very least it could have helped me understand the dynamic between the two of you better. So many things clicked into place when I overheard you two that night at Clint’s during the whole Ultron mess.”

Tony had to laugh at that. “I don’t think we ever understood the dynamic between us, so I’m not sure how that would have helped you. It’s funny,” Tony said, even though he had stopped laughing, “that was the last time we had together. Ironically, you figured it out just in time for it not to matter anymore.”

“Is that why you left the team?” Natasha asked, and it was clear she was no longer able to affect casualness in her questions.

“Yes and no. I just... couldn’t be there anymore.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

Of all the things he had to suffer through since this whole nightmare began, sitting on a twin bed in this glorified closet with ugly wallpaper and only ONE electrical outlet was certainly the worst. Would it have killed Clint to be prepared for the Avengers visiting, or at the very least, someone wanting to charge their phone and their laptop at the same time? Now if Tony had prepared to be stuck in the house from _Field of Dreams_ , he might have brought some tech of his own, instead of trying to hack the tablet Clint’s daughter used to watch cartoons.

All of this just left Tony to his thoughts, and none of them were pretty. It was a self-hating loop. It started with the vision of the dead Avengers and Steve’s imaginary blame and then morphed into Steve’s not-so-imaginary blame. Whenever he tried to internally defend himself by remembering why he created Ultron, it just started all over again. Losing them was unacceptable. They had to understand that, even if Tony couldn’t formulate a logical argument on why that was so.

The loop was interrupted when he heard the faintest of knocks at the door. Tony knew who was on the other side because nobody else would have cared about being heard. For a long moment Tony considered just pretending he didn’t hear it, or was asleep, or some other improbable thing, if it meant that he didn’t have to hear Steve reinforce everything he was thinking. That meant when he got up and cracked open the door, he was doing it against all of his better judgment.

“Can I come in?” Steve asked.

“I think I need a break from your righteous anger – like three hours. Can I get three hours?” Tony muttered.

“I didn’t come here to....” Steve trailed off and then furtively looked around at the hallway. “Can I please come in?” he asked again.

Tony was going to have to work on his self-control because he acquiesced. “What do you want, Steve?” They were both standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. There was too much space in between them, but the room was so small it made no difference. Steve’s eyes narrowed and Tony could see the gears turning in his head. He had the impression Steve was trying to choose his words very carefully and Tony’s heart sank. So, this was how it ended – with a renegade peace keeping robot and small farmhouse room. There was almost something comforting about it, like the final piece had fit into place.

“Tony, I –” Steve started and then sighed and shut his eyes tight, like he couldn’t even look at Tony while he said it. Tony found it was easiest to pretend he was a dispassionate observer and began the internal process of purging his emotions. Steve attempted to begin whatever he was going to say again. “I – I missed you. And I was worried about you.”

Tony hadn’t been expecting that, but based on the look on Steve’s face, neither did he. “You what?” Tony asked because he needed more information to go on.

Steve finally opened his eyes and his gaze became the center of the room’s gravity. “I don’t want to be angry at you. I just... can’t. I have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow. And I can’t stop thinking about that – if this is the last fight I’m ever going to fight, then I won’t die angry at you.”

None of this made sense, but it was there all the same. Steve wouldn’t lie to him; wouldn’t mislead him. It wasn’t in his nature. And if he was standing here, saying this, then that meant... “You forgive me, this time?”

“This time? I’ll forgive you _every time_. I only hope you can forgive me. I was... the way I am.” There was an intensity to Steve’s gaze that was making Tony lose balance. He had the distinct impression that Steve was actually seeing him. They had spent so much of their relationship pretending to be some version of themselves, but now that it mattered, he had the impression that Steve really knew him. And liked him anyway.

“Even though I’ll do it again?” Tony asked.

“Yes. I can’t not.” Steve would always forgive him, and Tony couldn’t think of anyone else he could say that about. Before, it had always been about hiding his flaws or exposing them to push people away. But now, everything had changed. Steve was still standing there and looking like he had much more to say. But when he opened his mouth to spill whatever in that head of his, he must have thought better of it, because instead he lunged forward and kissed Tony.

Just like that first time, so long ago, it took him by surprise. Steve was kissing him with a passion that Tony couldn’t measure. He ignored the voice in his head that was demanding an explanation. Steve might not feel for Tony what Tony felt for him, but Steve did legitimately seem to like him. And tonight, that was something Tony wanted to keep. He pushed them towards the bed and they toppled over without any grace. The noise startled them and they stopped for a second to listen for anyone who might have heard.

It was Steve who started it again by slowly moving his hands under the bottom of Tony’s shirt. It was slower this time. There was an unspoken agreement in the air that demanded they do whatever it was they were doing as silently as possible. The silence meant that they had to move slowly, utilizing every other form of communication they had at their disposal.

The tiny twin bed wasn’t meant to hold either of them, and certainly not the two of them together. But with Tony on top, they made it work. Steve’s eyes were fixed on his and they were telling Tony everything he needed to know about how to proceed.

After, Tony fell asleep wedged between the wall and Steve’s solid frame. Which was why he was surprised the next morning when he woke up alone.

 

\-----

 

**Now**

“When we were together that night...” Tony began, unable to say ‘when we fucked.’ It wasn’t for sentimental reasons – he was just too drunk to want to be shocking. “It felt like everything had fallen into place. Endorphins, serotonin, or what have you. But it wasn’t real.” Tony could still remember the empty bed from the next morning and the understanding that whatever moment he had been chasing the night before, was now gone. Steve never had to say it, but he must have known it, too. “It wasn’t anything at all.”

“Who decided that?” Natasha asked.

He scrunched his face, taking a second to figure out what exactly she was asking. “Decided it was over? He did, I did... we both did. I told him I was going to try and make it work with Pepper. And he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious.” Tony’s mind returned to the same place it had been after Ultron. It had surprised him then how easy it was to pretend none of it mattered. Now, it seemed like a feat he could never do again.

She picked up the bottle of scotch and carefully regarded it. She was probably doing the same math Tony was and coming to the same conclusion. He would be hungover tomorrow, and none of this would be any better. Once again, Natasha exhibited superior decision-making skills and set the bottle down without pouring it before speaking. “Why do I have a feeling neither of you said what you were really thinking?”

“Does it even matter? Our intentions were the same.”

“I just... I don’t know. It’s probably for the better with everything that happened with the Accords and Barnes.”

The world was swimming around him, and all Tony could do was sit there and think. He knew it was all hopeless. If he had felt it on that morning at Clint’s, he knew it for sure the moment Steve dropped the shield. There was no going back from this. “I hate him so much sometimes, hated him even back then.”

“Why’d you do it? Why call him and warn him today?”

“You're watching the same people I do. You know why I did it.”

“Ross had plans...” Her jaw clenched in anger. “He wants to resurrect the super-soldier program, and the Accords make it possible to detain someone with Steve’s abilities indefinitely.” That churned in Tony’s stomach. “That gives him the opportunity to experiment on the world’s most successful super-soldier.”

Tony sighed. He couldn’t drink anymore and all that was left was to wait for the inevitable hangover. “I... I’m not ready to forgive him. Not today. But tomorrow? Maybe. And he has to be alive if I’m going to do that.”

“I would have broken him out, if that happened. You have to know that.” She was trying to soothe him, but he didn’t need it. Tony had made his decision, and now that it was over he didn’t regret it.

“It’s better if you don’t have to.” He had enough guilt.

“I was about to warn him today. You just got there first.”

“I figured.” He shook his head but stopped when the motion made him nauseated. “Look – I know what you’re trying to do. But it’s ok. I’m ok with it.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“I know that, too.” Tony thought back to Steve’s eyes that night in the farmhouse. Was Steve thinking about Barnes as he looked at Tony like that? When he told him that if they would fail, they would do that together? “I just don’t know if he didn’t tell me about my parents because he cared too much or too little. And I wish he had said something so I wouldn’t have to think about that. I don't think it would make anything better. I just want to know."

Natasha was quiet. She was smiling at him in a soft, sad way. It was almost pity, but it seemed like she knew something he didn’t. “I didn’t tell you because I cared. Knowing what I know about Steve? The answer seems obvious.”

It didn’t feel obvious, but he wanted it to be. Maybe someday he’d be able to ask Steve and know for sure. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe before the next world-ending crisis, if he was lucky.

But it wouldn’t be tonight. He stumbled up and fell back onto the couch. “I think I’m done.” The cushions were now the most comfortable thing he had ever felt and he was struggling to keep his eyes open. “I think I’m going to close my eyes for a minute.” She didn’t stop him, so he gave up trying to stay awake and drifted into an easy, drunk sleep.

 

\-----

 

**The next morning**

When he woke up the next morning there was a light blanket over his body and a glass of water on the floor, but no other sign of Natasha. It was a struggle to stand up and he was distinctly aware he’d have to sleep the rest of this off on his real bed, but also equally aware that he wouldn’t. Tony stumbled to his desk and opened the drawer. The phone was there, just like it always was. Tony picked it up and opened it, just like he always did. It was an anxious habit, one part reassurance that the world was not ending and another part wishful thinking.

And just like every morning, it was only a useless phone. Tony navigated to the contacts page and almost pressed ‘call’ before closing it and returning it to the drawer.

He wasn’t ready to make the call. At least, not today.

But tomorrow? Maybe.


	2. Steve

**Now**

It was his birthday. At some point, someone was going to recognize one of the world’s most familiar faces after sitting here for two hours, even if Steve had grown a beard. He ordered another cup of espresso and continued to people-watch and sketch, even though he knew it was dangerous. Sitting outside a Parisian cafe was petulance, in addition to stupidity.

But he just kept ordering more coffee. Steve wasn’t entirely sure he didn’t want to get caught. The year he had spent on the run was beginning to catch up with him and it didn’t look like it was going to stop anytime soon. So, this was his gift to himself – drawing outdoors and adding some unnecessary risk into his life. Bucky would have called him a punk, but Bucky was in ice.

This was all a long-winded way of explaining to himself why he hadn’t jumped when someone tapped on his shoulder.

“Long time, no see,” came from behind him. The voice was instantly familiar. He looked up to see Natasha staring down at him. “Can I join you?”

Steve didn’t say anything to that. He didn’t need to. In perfect French, she asked a couple at a nearby table to borrow a chair and pulled it up right next to him, so that they were looking out onto the street together. “It’s good to see you.”

“Likewise. I found out we were in the same city, and then I looked at the date, and after that, finding you wasn’t hard.” She frowned and Steve could tell he was being analyzed. “Which is a problem. After your close call a few months ago, I would think that you’d be more careful.”

“I’ve been moving every few days.” He knew that wasn’t enough. Since Tony called him, he’d been trying to find the energy to avoid being found, but it was getting harder and harder each week.

She shook her head. “That’s only going to help so much. Are you trying to get caught?”

“No.” And that was true. If he wanted to be arrested, he’d fly back to the U.S. and walk right into Secretary Ross’s office. He just didn’t want to be free and stranded without a purpose. That was an important distinction. “Though I think about it. Yesterday I considered it for a full forty-nine minutes. A new record.”

“What was your old record?”

“Forty-eight minutes, on the day before that.”

Natasha smiled in a way that made it clear she wasn’t actually very happy. “I spoke with Tony.”

Steve sat up a little straighter, and the reason why must have been obvious on his face because Natasha’s grin twisted a little more. “Is he ok?” he asked. He knew the basics – television had confirmed that Tony was alive, at least. And at the annual Stark Expo, which Steve had watched via livestream, Tony had been his larger than life self – all magnetic charisma, wry jokes, and unmatched genius. Still, Steve had the blessing (or curse) of knowing the man a little better than the average person. And he knew better than to judge Tony’s internal well-being based on his public persona.

“He’s keeping himself busy,” Natasha said without clarifying, which was just the sort of thing people said when it wasn’t your business.

Steve deserved that – to be kept on the edges looking in. He had made the decision to not be forthcoming with Tony, so he could deal with the consequences. “That’s good. I’m glad.”

“He told me some interesting things. Confirmed a couple of theories of mine,” she said, and Steve knew exactly what she was talking about from her tone. He was saved from having to answer immediately when a waiter came by to take Natasha’s order, but he still didn’t know how to respond when she turned to look at him. “How did it start?” she asked, prompting him to say something, anything.

If there was a way out of the conversation they were about to have, he probably wouldn’t have taken it. He wanted to talk about it. Had wanted to talk about it. And now he wouldn’t be betraying Tony. “Remember that party Tony hosted at the tower, a couple of months after New York?”

Natasha frowned. “That’s not what he said.”

That was... interesting. “What did he say?” Steve asked, and expected a cryptic answer. She was checking how their stories lined up and she wasn’t about to make it easy.

“Something about your birthday.” Which wasn’t a lot to go on but more than he expected to learn.

His birthday had been the beginning of something, but it wasn’t where everything had started. “Oh... he really doesn’t remember. I always thought he was just being coy.” He took a deep breath and settled in to tell the story. “Well, for me, at least, it started at that party. He was drunk, and he told me some things.” Steve hesitated for a moment to think about how he wanted to phrase it and began to feel his face heat up. “Um... some things that indicated he might be interested in me. Things of a _sexual_ nature.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

Alcohol had always been a big part of Steve’s life, even though most of the time he wasn’t the one getting drunk. It was hard to avoid when you grew up where Steve did. It was just most of the time he had been too sick to enjoy it. And when he finally could... turns out he couldn’t.

Which he discovered wasn’t always a bad thing. Sitting here, watching the rest of the Avengers trying to come up with some sort of theme song, was the most fun he had experienced since... well, it was no use dwelling on the particulars. Thor was in town (or on world, for a better description) and Tony had opened his home up for all of them to eat and drink and retell all the stories that hadn’t received enough of the epic treatment since New York.

Steve was smiling as they refined their song. Thor was the only one among them who had an ear for this sort of thing, but his style was certainly specific. Tony, on the other hand, had joined Clint in trying to produce something more modern. Clint yelled over to him, “Steve, what rhymes with ‘arrow’?”

“Narrow?” Steve called back.

“Tarot!” Bruce shouted.

“Marrow,” Natasha said, like she was paying attention against her better judgment.

Thor stood up and looked like this was the best idea he had ever heard. “What an excellent idea! We should sing about how we vanquished our foe and then had a feast so great we still speak of it.”

“I don’t remember that part,” Tony said as he shrugged and continued to play with the electric keyboard Steve couldn’t remember being there before.

Clint shook his head and looked like he was about to disagree with at least one of them, but the motion must have unsettled him because he wavered, slipped, and fell in one smooth motion. The room went still and quiet till he twitched and began to stand up.

“What’cha guys looking at?” he slurred and the whole room let out the breath they had been holding.

Natasha wrapped her arm around Clint’s waist and put his arm around her shoulder. “Ok. That’s it. Party over.”

Tony mashed his fingers on the keyboard and produced a discordant sound. “He’s fine! No reason we have to stop.”

“I must be leaving anyway.” Thor stood up, looking resolute in his decision, as always, even one so small. “It has been a pleasure, my brothers-in-arms. We must gather like this again.” And then, without saying another word, he stepped out onto the balcony.  Steve didn’t see it, but he presumed Thor flew to wherever he was going. Bruce must have already slipped away, because he was mysteriously missing from the room.

“Thor’s right. Let’s quit when we’re ahead,” Natasha said as she began to lead Clint down the hallway to the guest rooms.

Clint twisted back to shout, “’m sorry, Tony. I have no choice. It’s unhealthy for me to disagree with her.”

“Fine. It’s fine,” Tony pouted but then looked at Steve like he finally realized that he was in the room. “Cap and I are going to party, like it’s 1999 – which, incidentally, is a year neither of us remembers.” Some sort of unexpected revelation played out over Tony features and Steve began to feel adrenaline flow through his body.

Tony sauntered over to the couch Steve had been sitting on the for rest of the night and tumbled forward onto his lap. Nothing about the motion felt deliberate till Tony readjusted himself and began to fumble with the top button on Steve’s shirt.

Without thinking it through, Steve stood up and lifted Tony by his arms off the couch. It took a few seconds for Tony to realize he was a few inches off the ground, he was so surprised. “Why’d you make me stop?”

The answer seemed obvious enough, so instead Steve asked his own question – “What were you doing?”

“What do you think? I was trying to get you naked.” Tony was staring at him like it was the most apparent thing in the world. Either he had an even more impressive tolerance than Steve thought, or Tony was just a very put together drunk. Howard’s love of alcohol must have been hereditary.

“Oh. Ok,” Steve responded, mostly because he had to say something. And then, because it was a question he couldn’t get out of his mind, he asked – “Why?”

Tony shrugged. “I assume you look good naked. But I like to confirm any assumptions when possible.” A small smile began to form on his face as he spoke, and Steve was beginning to get the distinct impression that Tony was forming a plan. “You know... I wonder a lot about you. And not just what you’d look like naked or if the serum enhanced...” Tony paused for effect and his grin turned into a full-on leer. “ _Everything_.”

Steve didn’t need a modern-world translator to understand what Tony was saying. It wasn’t like the man was trying to be coy about it. He tried to set his face straight and regulate his breathing. It was a silly attempt at fighting the hot blush that he could feel showing on his face, but it was an attempt he was going to make anyway. “I don’t think you should joke about this.” Because that was all Tony was doing. This was just another one of those ‘isn’t Steve old?’ jokes everyone liked. Normally he could just shake them off. Sometimes, he even enjoyed them. But this one was especially cruel, even if Tony had no way of knowing how much.

The fight was rising behind Tony’s eyes and in his voice. “Why? Because you don’t want to hear that I’d like you to tie me up? Or that sometimes I like to imagine you in nothing but a fur coat and heels? Or maybe a collar and a leash...” He trailed off as he got caught in the moment. “Something about your whole boy scout thing makes me feel so goddamn _creative._ Does that upset you?”

Steve reviewed everything Tony had just said in order to confirm what he already knew. It didn’t upset him at all. It intrigued him. There were so many things he wanted to try, and what Tony was describing was only the start of the list. What _did_ upset him was that Tony (and everyone else) seemed to forget when they made these jokes that Steve might actually want the things they were talking about. He just didn’t know how to make it happen. “What would Pepper think if she heard you say what you just told me?” he said in an attempt to deflect.

“Pepper and I have an agreement. We are two busy people who still have needs. And what we don’t know, can’t hurt us. I could draw up some contract if that would soothe your dated morals.” Tony began to close the few steps between them, but there was something wary in his movements. Like he was expecting Steve to retaliate. “So, what do you say? We could be exploring my personal collection of sex toys any minute, if you just say the word.”

“Stop,” Steve choked out. His brain wasn’t even entertaining the notion that Tony was being sincere. It couldn’t.

“Or what?” Tony’s face was so close Steve could smell the vodka shots from earlier. “Are you going to hit me?”

The implication hurt that Steve would be so offended by the idea of having sex with a man, he would respond with violence. A thousand responses went through his head, but none encompassed what he really wanted to say. One idea stuck, however. If he could rise to Tony’s challenge, Tony would have to back down. At least that’s what he was telling himself when he placed two hands on side of Tony’s face and kissed him like he wasn’t afraid of what he was admitting.

It wasn’t Tony kissing back that surprised him, but the intensity of it. At first Steve was sure he was just trying to win whatever battle they had started. That was before Tony walked him back, never losing contact, and pushed him down onto the couch. Everything was moving so fast and his hands were zeroing in on all the places on Steve’s body that sent shockwaves through his skin. It only took a few seconds for Steve to get over his surprise and respond in kind. He didn’t have to think about it and was amazed that all of this seemed so natural. Like he had been doing this forever. Like _they_ had been doing this forever. Tony had a mouth on him that Steve never wanted to say no to, and adding to the intoxication, no matter how psychosomatic, was the taste of vodka on Tony’s lips.

Of course, that was when Steve had to push him away.

“Don’t you dare try to tell me you weren’t into that,” Tony said as he balanced on his knees, still straddling Steve. He looked confused and just a touch wounded.

“You’re drunk,” Steve tried to explain.

“Yes, and?”

“I’m not.”

“This is a chivalry thing, huh?” Tony sighed and Steve began to extract himself from out and under him. “You don’t have to do that. At all. Trust me, this barely cracks the top hundred dumbest things I’ve done when drunk.”

“We’re on a team together. You might wake up and regret it.”  Steve was about one hundred percent sure he, himself, wouldn’t. But he couldn’t make that decision for Tony.

“There is no way I’m going to regret this in the morning. Unless you’re terrible in bed. Are you?”

The blush returned on Steve’s cheeks. “No one has ever complained, but I don’t really have a... a lot of experience. Especially with the things you were describing.”

Tony wiggled his eyebrows and affixed a suggestive grin. It was infectious. “Was there anything, in particular, you wanted to try?”

Where should he begin to answer that question? Some of those ideas – well, the idea of trying them, at least – _did things_ to him. And Tony sounded so excited about everything else that he couldn’t help but be curious. “All of it? In no special order.”

Tony’s grin got wider and even more dangerous. “Oh, you and I are going to have _so much_ fun.” He was crawling back to his earlier position on top of Steve when Steve lightly pushed him away. With a pout that was only half faked, he said, “Why not start tonight?”

It sounded so appealing, but Steve knew himself. Waiting would be worth it if it meant a clean conscience. “Why not tomorrow?”

“I’m in Seattle tomorrow,” Tony responded with a disappointed huff. “Want to come to Seattle?”

Steve laughed. It was an appealing offer. “Ask me in the morning. I’ll say yes.”

 

\-----

 

**Now**

“The day after, he didn’t say a thing about it, and I always thought he was too embarrassed to bring it up again...” Steve was looking out onto the street and watching the people walk by. It helped ground him. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It took me quite some time to work up the courage to do something about it and when I did, it probably wasn’t in the subtlest way. Kissing him that night on my birthday was reckless, but I had to know if he meant it or not. I never even entertained the idea he didn’t remember it.” He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, and if it made what he did that much more foolish.

Even though he wasn’t looking at her, Steve could sense the small smile on Natasha’s face. “It’s almost romantic. You two, too dumb to work things out like normal people.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Nat...”

“I didn’t mean it in a _bad_ way. Just... Of course. It makes sense. So, what happened next?”

“What do you mean?”

She gave him one of her ‘you know what I’m talking about’ looks. “Why did the two of you keep hooking up?”

“Why not?” he said and shrugged. “It was a lot of fun, and easy, and –”

“I know why Tony kept coming back. Why did you? I never pegged you as the ‘fun and easy’ type.” There was just enough heat in her words to remind Steve she hadn’t completely forgotten about everything that had happened in Budapest and Leipzig.

“I like ‘fun and easy’ as much as the next person...” Steve grumbled but he knew better and started again. “There weren’t a lot of people, especially then, that didn’t make me feel like an oddity that belonged in a museum. And Tony was one of them. I was... I was lonely and then I wasn’t, when we were together. I just wasn’t. And it’s hard to say no to that.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

The chilly air-conditioning sent a shiver down Steve’s spine, but he had no interest in detangling himself from Tony’s sleeping body and turning the temperature down. Instead, he reached as far as he could and attempted to grab the corner of the comforter that had bunched on the other side of the bed. They hadn’t needed it, and it hadn’t occurred to Steve to find it before he drifted off. But now, the sweat on his body was cooling into something too cold to be comfortable, and being cold had a way of getting under his skin.

For all his earlier protests that he wasn’t tired at all, Tony was sleeping like a rock and as long as he was warm, Steve planned to stay where he was and let Tony rest. The man had passed out too quickly to not need it. He knew a reasonable person would find some way to silently leave the bed and exit the hotel room, at least that’s what he assumed people did in these situations, but Steve had never been in the habit of being reasonable. It was just too nice to lay like this.

Tony would probably wake up and tell him to leave anyway. Steve had been in Colombia after completing a mission for SHIELD when he received Tony’s text and invitation to dinner. Apparently, the man had a business meeting in Bogotá. It was the nice sort of coincidence that didn’t happen enough. And while an invitation to dinner was never going to just be dinner with Tony, Steve had never actually spent the night when these little ‘meetings’ occurred. He figured it violated some unspoken rule between them.

They had been violating many of these unspoken rules lately, and Steve had been seeing more and more of Tony. None of it was planned, but it kept happening. Before, they only met up when Tony was in DC or Steve was in LA, but then they were hooking up in New York and Tokyo and Cape Town and anywhere they happened to cross paths. Whereas before they kept their conversations to quick and coded texts, Steve could now spend hours on the phone talking to him. It seemed like they never ran out of things to say. And if Steve was being honest with himself, and he really tried to be, he was growing rather fond of the man next to him. This certainly played into his deceptive justifications for staying over tonight.

But Tony was asleep and not currently complaining, so Steve was content to just be a little deceptive. He tried again to reach over and grab the blanket and was just about to make it with only the minimum of jostling when Tony murmured something under his breath and Steve stopped mid-reach. For a second it seemed that Tony was still peacefully asleep and Steve continued again, only to be stopped when Tony made some sort of angry moan. He carefully watched as Tony’s brow furrowed. His limbs began to reach around, almost clawing at Steve. It must have been a bad dream. It certainly didn’t _sound_ like a nice one.

Steve was contemplating whether he should try and gently wake him when Tony’s eyes opened wide and he screamed, sat up straight, and threw a punch. Or at least that’s what it looked like at first till Steve realized that Tony’s hand was bent at the wrist, like he was about to fire a repulsor shot. There was no way to see Tony’s face from back where Steve’s head lay and he was too scared with what would happen if he sat up to join him. He shouldn’t be seeing this and he should have left when he could. There was no way Tony wanted him here now and Steve couldn’t be sure Tony would ever forgive him.

After a few moments of breathing raggedly, Tony began to look around the room. With a visible shock, he froze again and slowly turned back like he was frightened he might see someone there. “Oh no,” Tony muttered under his breath.

“It’s ok,” Steve tried to sooth but Tony was looking more and more upset.

“Why are you here?”

“I fell asleep.” Which was only some of the truth, so Steve added, “And when I woke up I...” He shrugged. “I wanted to stay.”

Tony had a look on his face that suggested he wasn’t sure what he wanted to be thinking. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he said, and his voice was laced with shame.

“No.”

“Because sometimes in the past... I flail or... oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” Tony muttered under his breath. His arms were tightly wrapped around himself and everything about his body language suggested he wanted to disappear.

Steve pushed himself up on the bed and sat next to Tony. _I probably shouldn’t be doing this_ , he thought. “It’s ok. I flail, too. Broke a lamp last week.” Tony was silent and still, like if he pretended to be a statue, Steve might buy it and just leave him alone. Steve slowly raised his arm and placed it around Tony’s shoulder, exaggerating the motion to give Tony every chance to stop him. “Last month I screamed so loud the nurse across the hall came by to check on me. She was worried someone broke in or something... and it was uncomfortable. Having to explain it.”

Tony slouched and leaned into Steve. “It’s been bad lately. Since New York.”

“You can talk about it, if you want,” Steve said, trying to sound like he knew what he was doing and would know what to say.

“It’s nothing. It’s weird.” Tony looked more vulnerable than Steve had ever seen him.

“It’s a nightmare. It’s supposed to be weird.”

“Hmm... I fall, but it’s not that I’m falling in New York or anything. Just through space. And it’s cold. And I never stop falling, but the ground is always there. I just haven’t hit it yet. I’m trying to stop it, to solve it. And I’m running through all these equations in my head, designing every sort of thing imaginable, anything that would stop the fall. But everything I try fails... and I know the ground is always there.”

Steve tightened his grip in response. The gesture was better than anything he was going to say. A lot of what Tony was describing sounded all too familiar. It wasn’t like he didn’t know anything about falling and cold. Though, in Steve’s dreams, he had completely accepted his fate. It was like he almost wanted to hit the water and was disappointed it never happened. What Tony was describing sounded exhausting. No wonder he was so tired.

Tony’s breathing was returning to normal and Steve could feel it in his shoulders as he gathered his composure. “It… it didn’t work out with Pepper.” Tony said without prompting. He sounded guilty.

“I’m really sorry to hear that.” And he meant it. Tony always seemed so happy with her and Steve wanted that for him. He didn’t know what else to say, so they sat in a silence that wasn’t entirely awkward.

“You hungry?” Tony asked after a few minutes.

Steve... wasn’t expecting that. “I guess so.” He was pretty much _always_ hungry.

“Ok, good. Room service it is.” He checked his watch and added, “We got three.... eh, four hours till I have to be on a conference call with the board. I want a cheeseburger and then I have something I’ve always wanted to try, if you’re interested.”

The way his voice dropped made it clear that the something involved sex. Steve studied his face and tried to decide if Tony was putting on an act. But, surprisingly, his smile was genuine. They should probably keep talking about this, Steve thought. That would be responsible. But if it was Steve, he’d just want to move on from it, and maybe that was what Tony needed. Someone to listen and then accept it. Someone who wouldn’t make it a big deal.

Steve grabbed Tony around the waist and they awkwardly tumbled back into bed. He twisted so that he was on top and bracketing Tony with his arms and knees. “Or why don’t we start with whatever the ‘something’ is, and then order cheeseburgers.”

For a moment Steve was scared he had made the wrong decision. But then, Tony just smiled mischievously and rolled them around so that he was straddling Steve’s chest. “That sounds perfect.”

 

\-----

 

**Now**

“So, was falling in love an immediate thing?” Natasha asked after they had been quiet for a few minutes.

He opened his mouth, stuttered, and closed it again. That was a strange question, and one he had no answer to. In hindsight so much seemed obvious, but he still couldn’t pinpoint anything specific. It had just... been there. “Would you say I was dodging the question if I told you I don’t know? I don’t... I don’t think so. At least, I didn’t notice it like that.” There had obviously been something somewhere in the beginning, but he didn’t have anything to point at.

“No, I wouldn’t. Honestly? I would have been surprised if either of you exhibited any sort of self-awareness.” Natasha’s expression was kind, even if her words were not.

He deserved that. “It wasn’t like we saw each other a lot in the beginning.  He was in L.A. most of the time anyway. Then the whole Mandarin thing happened, and we were on the same coast more often than not.” Steve still felt sick thinking about the moment he had left his deep cover SHIELD mission and found out he had missed all of that. He could have done something to help, instead of running useless reconnaissance without cell service. That sick feeling was compounded by the guilt of knowing he enjoyed seeing Tony just a little more often.

“And then SHIELD fell...” Natasha began to lead him in the direction he planned to go anyway. There was no doubt that none of this was news to her.

“Yeah, and then SHIELD fell. And ‘every once in awhile’ became ‘almost all the time’.”

 

\-----

 

**Then**

Steve had felt like he had been constantly orbiting Stark Tower over the last couple of years. When he had woken up, it had been just the most recent ugly sign of a modern world he hadn’t understood. The skyline he had grown up with had changed, and it was hard not to blame Howard’s son with the abrasive public persona. And then, of course, he had met the man responsible for the building and its technology and Stark Tower went from a curiosity to his on-and-off again home.

He had never stayed longer than a few days, but now that his place in DC was completely uninhabitable, it felt like the most stable place he could be. Still, it felt strange relying on Tony’s hospitality like this and he wasn’t sure if he was testing that hospitality by waiting two months to move in.

That hadn’t been on purpose, per se. It was just that he had to follow any leads on Bucky before they grew cold. And now that those leads were practically frozen (a useless joke at his and Bucky’s expense he couldn’t stop telling himself), Steve just had to accept the inevitable. That was how he ended up with his small travel bag standing in the basement garage of Stark Tower.

Despite all the times he had been here, Steve had never just _arrived_ by himself. There had always been someone to welcome him. It felt strange to just waltz in like he belonged, presumptuous and intimate, and not particularly in a good way. He and Tony may have only had nebulous and rapidly vanishing boundaries, but they were boundaries nonetheless. Living under the man’s roof was probably one of the last remaining ones, and certainly all the things that could happen while he lived here could violate the rest.

But Tony had offered like it was nothing to him and Steve was just going to have trust that Tony knew what he was doing. That thought had been at war with the incessant need to just _see_ Tony and for a moment that need won, and he pressed the elevator button.

Steve could hear the music as the elevator approached the workshop, but it cut out as soon as the doors opened. JARVIS must have decided he needed to announce Steve’s entrance. It was all too much but also very Tony so it didn’t stop him from smiling. The man himself looked up, expressionless, from whatever dangerous or life-saving device he was currently tinkering with and for a moment Steve was worried Tony was angry at him.

“Finally.” And then Tony’s blank expression broke and he had one of those million-dollar smiles Steve associated with saving the world. “Here, I thought you were avoiding me.”

“I couldn’t if I tried.” And he had been trying.

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Tony purred as he threw an arm around Steve’s shoulder and began to lead him to away from the main part of the lab and to a small closet door. It was just slightly open and Tony kicked it before he pushed Steve in and followed. There was nothing but a tiny cot in the corner and some clothes thrown around the rest of it. Without an explanation, Tony sat Steve down on the cot and got to his knees in front of him.

Steve still had control of most of his faculties, or at least enough to put his hands on Tony’s shoulders and gently push him away. Tony gave him a quizzical and confused look. “I’ve never known you to refuse a blowjob.”

That made Steve’s face heat up. “Just seems a little fast, that’s all.”

“Would you prefer to buy me dinner first?” Tony’s voice sat in an uneasy place between mocking and fond and Steve hoped he wouldn’t say anything wrong.

Anyway, the idea of dinner and all of that made everything seem sweet... certainly sweeter than their arrangement was in real life. It surprised Steve how nice all of that sounded, but it wasn’t what was going on. “Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. Please, continue.”

A look of relief passed on Tony’s features and then turned into something positively filthy. “Well, since you said please...” And then he was too indisposed to say anything else.

Afterwards, they lay on the floor, having figured out the hard way that the cot couldn’t handle the both of them. The cold ground was pleasant on his sweaty body and Steve was worn out. It seemed that they had a lot they needed to get out of their system.

“How long are you staying?” Tony mumbled somewhere into his shoulder. Steve wanted to say, ‘as long as you’ll have me’, but instead said, “Sam’s double-checking some leads for me. I’ll be on the road if any of them pan out.”

“Hmmmm... hopefully not right away. I’m looking forward to having you at my disposal.”

Steve grinned at that. It was a nice sentiment. Tony didn’t seem scared about having him around. Maybe all those boundaries were in Steve’s head. “Me, too.”

“I hope you find him,” Tony said after a while. He pushed himself up on his elbows and regarded him. “Is there something you aren’t telling me about the two of you?” There wasn’t a hint of jealousy in that question ( _not that there should have been_ , Steve thought). Tony looked practically earnest, like it would have been an honor for Steve to confide in him some secret romance.

The answer caught in Steve’s throat for all the wrong reasons. There was no possible way it could be true, but no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. If Tony’s parents were murdered by Hydra, and Hydra’s best assassin was Bucky... and no. It couldn’t be true. So, it wasn’t true. And bringing it up would only bring up difficult feelings for Tony. He knew his need to protect Tony was irrational, but he didn’t want to fight it. This secret thing they were doing was too precious and too fragile and Steve wanted to keep it close and safe. It was a bubble of good in a world that was still too new and too wrong.

That’s why he didn’t tell Tony what was on his mind and instead said a different truth. “No. It wasn’t like that. He was just a friend. Practically a brother, even.”

Tony considered that for a minute. “What are you going to do when you find him?”

_Prove the little voice in the back of my head wrong_ , Steve thought. “I don’t know,” is what he actually said. And he didn’t. He just had a feeling that once he did, he would feel better and all the sadness and loneliness and _emptiness_ would disappear. “It would just be good to see him.”

“He’s out there. You’ll get him back.” Tony looked certain and Steve was aware that he was being comforted. Sometimes it seemed like no one else could tell how nebulous Steve’s hold on his own depression was, but at that moment he was sure Tony saw it and wanted to make it better. He was lucky to have a friend like him. He was lucky to have this moment.

“I don’t plan on giving up,” Steve said in his best hopeful-speech voice and flipped Tony over, so he was on his back and Steve was on top. He dropped his voice low, like he knew how to sound seductive. Tony always seemed to appreciate the effort. “But there’s something else I’d rather be doing right now.”

“You’re insatiable. I like it. It’s inspiring. But even I have limits.” Tony lightly pushed him off and stood up. “At least, I’d like to take you up on that dinner first.”

“Dinner. Always.” Steve said with a huge smile that probably gave away how much he was looking forward to just getting to talk to him. If Tony saw that, he didn’t mind.

_You’re a coward_ , the little voice in his head said suddenly. _You need to tell him_. But Tony was rambling on about everywhere they could order take-out from, and Steve couldn’t dare to say something that would hurt him.

It wasn’t cowardly to want to protect people, Steve tried to explain to that little voice.

He just wasn’t so sure who he was trying to protect.

 

_\-----_

 

**Now**

“No wonder you rejected every attempt I made to set you up.”

“What would I have said? That I was entangled in a secret dalliance with a friend?” Steve asked, picked up his coffee cup, and was disappointed to learn that it was empty.

“Oh, Steve... only you. What type of word is _dalliance?_ ” Natasha shook her head.

“It wasn’t even like that was the reason, anyway. Weirdly enough, it was mostly disconnected. I just...” Steve sighed and thought back to that time. Sometimes it felt like he had grown so much since then, and sometimes he felt exactly the same. “I wasn’t ready to meet someone new. I was scared I’d screw it up and scared to move on and just very, very... scared.”

“You must have been lonely.”

The answer was so obvious that Steve didn’t say anything to confirm it.

 

\-----

 

**Then**

“Good job on a successful mission, Avengers,” Steve said as he unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up in the now-landed quinjet. It _had_ been a successful mission. They had managed to gain valuable intelligence in addition to incapacitating more than a few Hydra agents. “Don’t worry about submitting a mission report. I’ll have one up for review by tomorrow.” That earned him a few quizzical looks, but they didn’t last long. Everyone knew that Steve preferred to debrief as soon as possible after a mission. Even if, most of the time, he was lucky to get even Natasha to follow up.

However, today, Steve had other things on his mind. The team filed out without needing to know more and Steve was grateful they weren’t compelled to question his behavior. “Tony!” He called out just before he had walked too far. “I need to speak to you.”

“Ooooooo,” Clint teased. “Youuuu’re in trooooubllllle.”

Tony let out an exaggerated sigh that Steve could hear all the way from where he was standing on the loading ramp.

“Really, Steve? I can’t take a shower?” The fight was already in his eyes and Steve second-guessed himself for the fiftieth time in the last couple of minutes.

As long as Steve could keep the lie up till Tony was back on the quinjet, he was sure he would be forgiven. “It can’t wait,” he said, purposely keeping it as vague as possible. Any confusing details he would have to remember would just make him more anxious.

“You’re the boss,” Tony said in a completely different tone than the one he had used last night. Steve very much preferred it when it was said the other way. The rest of the team was content to walk away and for a moment Steve wondered just how ordinary it was that he would pull Tony aside just to berate him. That was probably a problem. “What is it?” Tony asked from the bottom of the ramp, clearly too annoyed to make the trek up the incline.

He looked tired and Steve briefly considered just aborting his plans, but he didn’t know when they were going to get a chance like this. “I’ll tell you... when you get up here.”

“What the hell?” Tony glared at him but Steve could glare harder. There was no going back now and Tony eventually gave in. Steve took a few steps to the side so that they wouldn’t be obvious just as Tony began to whine. “If you’re going to yell at me, I don’t see why-”

But Tony immediately silenced and made a small sound at the back of his throat when Steve pushed him into up against the plane’s inner wall and kissed him. Tony had kept bringing up this fantasy, half-jokingly, about the two of them losing control in the quinjet after returning from a mission. The problem was that Steve didn’t lose control. Every once in awhile he might forget his strength in a fit of anger, but that was always just for the moment. At his heart, he was a planner and this wasn’t the type of thing you could plan. So, everything had been prepared for this moment – he had chosen to do this now because he knew they would have the quinjet to themselves after a mission that hadn’t been too taxing. There had been no reason to debrief immediately, nothing to follow up on, and Steve had even learned how to set up alerts if any of members of the team forgot something and returned. With the way their life went, this may be their only chance.

Which is why Steve was bypassing all the formalities and removing Tony’s clothing like his life depended on it. The fight and the Iron Man suit had left him sweaty, but it was nothing Steve wasn’t now acquainted with.

Tony broke off the kissing to whisper into his ear. “This is certainly an idea I can get behind. Or you know, _you_ could get behind.” Tony’s face was too close to see that mischievous smile but Steve had learned to hear it in his voice. What Tony was asking for wasn’t exactly subtle. Steve spun him around so that he was braced against the wall with Steve solidly behind him. From this position, it was easy to move his hands under Tony’s clothes and get to work. This position also had the unintended consequence of making it easier for Steve to keep an eye on the outside alarm. His attention kept gravitating towards it and it was getting more difficult to focus on what was in front of him. Tony didn’t seem to mind, or he didn’t till he looked over his shoulder at Steve and asked, “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Steve answered, reflexively. He tried to twist his neck so he could kiss Tony at this angle but Tony was having none of it.

“Something’s wrong.” Tony turned around so that he was facing Steve. His clothes were all askew and it would be clear to anyone who saw them what they were doing. That thought made Steve look over at the alarm again. Tony’s gaze must have followed Steve’s, because he groaned like he was facing some annoying realization and began to fix his clothes.

Steve, having been found out, dropped his eyes to the floor in shame. He had messed all of this up. “I’m so sorry.”

Tony’s face was still so close Steve could feel him shaking his head. “Steve, Steve, Steve...” he muttered. “Why’d you do this?”

“You... you talked about us… in the quinjet. And I wanted to make it happen. Thought I could, at least.” But doing so would have required him to not worry about being found out, something Tony clearly didn’t want. Steve hoped he hadn’t screwed it up.

Tony placed his hands on either side of Steve’s cheeks and lifted his head so that Steve could look in his eyes. “That’s sweet. I don’t think anyone has ever done something so.... That’s sweet.” A small but genuine smile spread across Tony’s lips. “You know, I’m happy to keep this little fantasy just a fantasy. Or...” His eyes lit up and his voice quickened. “Maybe I’ll build a simulation room, or we could find some excuse to bring the quinjet to a deserted island.” Tony’s moods were contagious when he was like this. “That’s not a bad idea, actually.” Tony fussed with the parts of Steve’s uniform that had been rustled in their earlier activities. “You know what I’m fantasizing about right now? Taking a shower. You’re invited, by the way.”

Steve let out a deep breath and the knot in his stomach loosened. Tony understood. It was something he was always surprised by, even though by now he should know better. “Yours or mine?” he replied.

 

\-----

 

**Now**

They had been sitting there so long that Natasha had switched over to wine. It was an unusually cool day for the early July and Steve kept with the coffee. He always appreciated the warmth.

“Why’d it end?” she asked.

“I’m pretty sure you know why.”

“I know why Tony thinks it did.”

Steve sighed. He wasn’t sure how to describe why. It seemed so clear in his mind, but every word he thought of wasn’t enough. “It got to be too much. I couldn’t handle being with him like that, it was beginning to feel deceitful.”

She cocked her eyebrow. “To who?”

“To Tony,” he responded. _And to myself,_ he thought without saying it aloud.

 

\-----

 

**Then**

It was quiet – so quiet that Steve could hear Clint’s house settle around him. Silence never sat well with Steve. He hadn’t had to encounter it much in his life. Even in DC, he had chosen an apartment next to a busy street for a reason. And after being in the war and growing up in Brooklyn, all that quiet just didn’t feel right to him.

He was laying on the couch listening to the small noises, unable to sleep. The hallucination from earlier that day kept replaying in his mind and no matter how hard he tried to shake it, Peggy kept repeating the word ‘home’. Which was wrong, all wrong. Clint’s home may have been the most comfortable place he may have ever been, but it wasn’t home. And if he couldn’t feel that here, then that illusionary ‘home’ wasn’t anywhere.

His sleeplessness was further exacerbated by the fact that the couch just wasn’t that comfortable. There was a time in which Steve could sleep practically everywhere, but it seemed that he had gotten too used to the tower’s pillowy mattresses.

He was regretting volunteering for the couch when they were assigning rooms and he was definitely bitter that he hadn’t somehow ended up in a room with Tony. Of course, you don’t get the things you don’t ask for and how was Steve supposed to advocate for something like that?

Mostly he was just worried about Ultron. He had been doing this long enough to know that the epic final battle was inevitable, but this fight seemed different. He didn’t have faith they would get out of this alive. The enemy was too strong and too quick and entirely outside his realm of expertise. And if this was somehow his last fight – well, he could work with that. That didn’t scare him. But if this was the last fight of one of his friends… Steve wasn’t sure how to live with that possibility.

His brain kept mapping the house, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop it from being drawn to Tony’s room. Even though it was a floor up, he knew exactly where it was, because that was where he wanted to be. All of this had been especially hard on Tony. Steve knew that. He could see Tony beating himself up about it for the last couple of days and all Steve could do was watch. He wanted to comfort Tony just as much as he also wanted to yell at him for being so reckless, but mostly he just didn’t want to be down here and alone on the couch when Tony was so close.

It was dumb and foolhardy and just inviting trouble, but Steve softly padded up the stairs and to the small room Tony had ended up in. His heart sped up as he waited for Tony to let him in after he knocked. They couldn’t be caught, certainly not tonight, but Steve no longer cared. This was one last boundary he was ready to tear down.

Tony opened the door, looking haggard and more tired than Steve had seen him before. It had been a long day for all of them, but Tony seemed to be carrying the burden more than most. “Can I come in?” he asked.

“I think I need a break from your righteous anger – like three hours. Can I get three hours?” Tony protested. He looked defeated.

That twisted uneasily in Steve’s gut. Tony looked so hurt, and he had done that to him. Or at the very least, he had added to his pain. “I didn’t come here to....” Steve stopped and thought about how to explain what he wanted to say, but the hallway wasn’t the place for it. “Can I please come in?” he asked again.

Tony agreed but didn’t seem happy about it. Steve could see Tony’s exhaustion sitting just below the surface of his composed far off look. “What do you want, Steve?”

“Tony, I –” Steve tried to begin, but where the hell was that sentence going to go? _Tony, I’m so angry. Tony, I’m scared. Tony, I’m a mess and I need you to make it better like you always do. Tony, I wish you wanted to fix me as much as you want to fix everything else._ Everything he wanted to say was too much, so he settled on some faint version of the truth. “I – I missed you. And I was worried about you.”  

“You what?” Tony said as he peered at him like Steve was talking in a foreign language.

_This is it, Rogers,_ he thought to himself. _Time to use your words._ “I don’t want to be angry at you. I just... can’t. I have no idea what’s going to happen with Ultron. And I can’t stop thinking about that – if this is the last fight I’m ever going to fight, then I won’t die angry at you.” Steve left the part out about how much worse it would be if Tony died thinking Steve was angry at him.

Tony’s eyes narrowed and Steve had the impression that he was finally listening to what he was saying. “You forgive me, this time?” he asked, confused, and that wasn’t right because Steve’s intent felt so obvious.

“This time? I’ll forgive you _every time_. I only hope you can forgive me. I was... the way I am.”

“Even though I’ll do it again?” Tony asked. There was another question hidden deep under what Tony was asking, but Steve couldn’t begin to tease it out.

Reflexively and without deep thought, he said, “Yes. I can’t not.” And that was more the truth than he was prepared to accept. Because now that he was standing here and saying that, the rest of his feelings fit into place.

This... this was love.

And he hadn’t noticed it because he thought it would be obvious. It had felt so obvious with Peggy. But no, this time there wasn’t fireworks or music. There wasn’t going to be some big moment. There was just the knowledge that being angry with Tony would hurt him more than anyone else, but despite that, he’d never be able to stop forgiving him. It was a pathetic cycle he wouldn’t be able to break no matter how hard he tried.

And wow... Steve was going to have to try. He tried to open his mouth to say something, but stopped once he realized that if he did the only words he was going to say were ‘I love you,’ and that was unacceptable.

They had to stop. _Steve had to stop._ If he didn’t, he would be dooming himself and adding another secret in his quest to protect Tony. This man deserved more than those secrets. A better man would have tactfully excused himself from the room, but Steve could only try to be good and today that was a battle he wasn’t going to win. A feeling of impending doom settled deep in his stomach as he wrapped his hand behind the back of Tony’s neck and leaned forward to kiss him with the force of all the words he was never going to be able to say.

Tony made a surprised sound against his lips but immediately took control and pushed Steve back. They hit the bed with a thud that Steve wasn’t expecting and Tony stilled as he listened intently to see if anyone heard. The spell was broken and Steve waited anxiously for Tony to give an indication that they could continue.

He knew the score – they couldn’t be found out. Tony had made that very clear when this started. But this must have been what it felt like to lose control, because he began to slip his hands under Tony’s clothes, anyway. Steve knew he was the wrong person at the wrong place and the wrong time, but regrets were going to have to wait till tomorrow.

In many ways, this time was just like all the others before it, except they wouldn’t be able to stop talking. Even though he could see all those things in his eyes, he missed Tony’s constant observations, jokes, and praises. Steve would have gladly taken a lifetime of all of that, but Tony’s eyes, hands, and body could only be the center of the universe for the moment. It had to end, no matter how slowly he tried to continue. And when the sex was over and Tony was breathing evenly on his chest, Steve finally found it in him to enforce the boundary he should have had years ago and extracted himself from the bed.

 

\-----

 

**Now**

“And let me guess – you never _actually_ explained how you felt to Tony.”

Steve laughed at that. She knew, of course. For not the first time today, he wondered why exactly she wanted to know these details. Not that he wasn’t thankful for getting to share them, but he didn’t know what she got out of it. “Well, first we had to fight Ultron and then... He made it clear that he wanted to try it again with Pepper.” Tony must have had an idea how that made Steve feel. He could still remember Tony asking if he was ok. _Of course not,_ he had thought, but lied as best he could.

“I was so angry when Tony showed up to talk about the Accords. The Avengers were all I had...” he trailed off, not sure exactly how to phrase what he wanted to say. “And he wanted to take it away. I don’t think he ever thought of it like that. Hell, I know it’s petty for me to think of it like that. He wanted to change how we did things, _but he wasn’t even there half the time._ It was like every time before. He just waltzed in and out, upending everything as he pleased.” Even after a year, thinking about it still hurt. But that hurt, however, was always countered with something else he could only begin to put a finger on. “It doesn’t matter. After everything, I just want to see him again.”

Steve looked over at Natasha. She was watching something happening on the street in front of her, but Steve knew she was observing him in her peripheral vision. “You want to say something,” Steve observed.

“What makes you say that?”

“I can tell.”

She looked Steve up and down before raising her hand and smacking him hard on the back of his head.

“Ouch! What’s that for?” he said as he cradled the spot she had hit. It hadn’t hurt that bad, but it had surprised him enough.

“What the hell is this?” she responded as she angrily gestured around the cafe. “Nobody wants you to end up in a prison cell. Stop behaving like that’s what you would prefer.” The look in her eyes made him recoil. “And this thing you’re doing? This self-punishment for everything you fucked up on? It doesn’t serve anybody.”

“That’s not what I’m doing...” he interjected.

But she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “You’ve been waiting for forgiveness so long you wouldn’t know it if it came here and hit you on the back of your head.” Natasha was smiling now. It was a small thing, almost imperceptible, and Steve had the impression he had missed something along the way.

“I’m not sure what you want from me.”

“Just... if you get the opportunity, choose to be happy.” She shook her head and they sat there in silence for a while. The sun was beginning to set and Steve was growing restless.

That’s why he jumped in his seat when he felt something buzz in his pocket. Steve pulled the phone out and looked at it, trying to find some sign of sabotage.

“What are you waiting for?”

“Is it...? Did you know?”  Was that why she was here?

“I had a feeling.” She stood up and pulled some euros out of her pocket to put on the table. “Happy birthday, Steve.”

There must have not been any sort of emergency if she was walking away so calmly. He answered on the last ring.

“Tony?” Steve asked because he needed the confirmation.

“Where are you?” Steve couldn’t place the emotion behind Tony’s question. It didn’t sound like anger, but it didn’t sound like anything else he could recognize, either. He was caught off guard by a familiar wariness – this could be mind control or some other nefarious scheme, no matter what he wished otherwise.

“I’m not... I’m not trying to trick you,” Tony said, must having realized what this sounded like. “Ok, let’s try this. How would rate Siberia? With your little internal battle-ranking system, I mean.”

That was something he had only told Tony. It didn’t guarantee nothing was wrong, but it was close enough to take a risk. “It was a ten.” He saved ‘tens’ for those battles he never wanted to live through again, no matter the actual casualty number.

“Yeah... me, too.” He was silent after that, and if it wasn’t for the phone’s gentle static Steve would have thought he had hung up.

This was probably the time for Steve to say something, but accessing the right words was proving to be a challenge. “If I could go back, I would have done some things differently. Not everything, but a lot of things. And I know that’s not enough, but it’s what I got.”

“Funny thing about that. I would have, too,” Tony responded and they both left the details of exactly what they would have changed unsaid. “But we can’t. And you’re right. This is what we have. So... I’m going to ask again. Where are you?”

“Paris,” Steve said, even though he had a feeling Tony knew already.

“I could do Paris.” And for the first time since the start of the call he sounded happy. “Could you go somewhere safe? And, please – stay there. I’m coming to see you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I always love to hear about what worked and what didn’t in my writing, so any constructive criticism is appreciated.
> 
> UPDATE: This has a loose sequel, set about six months after this. It's called "[In Consequence](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12693924%22)".
> 
> [tumblr post](https://msermesth.tumblr.com/post/175557976099/wont-stop-to-surrender)


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